Overwhelmed by my Failings
My son has an infectious laugh and the most beautiful smile. Sometimes his smile is a sincere bubbling over of happiness and joy, and other times it’s this mischievous grin that he gives when he’s about to do something that’s going to require a major cleanup on both of our parts.
As sweet as he is and as challenging as he can be at times, I typically respond in a way other parents comment on as patient, loving, and admirable.
Well that wasn’t the case yesterday.
Despite the things I’ve been taught yesterday I struggled to put any of it into practice. It didn’t seem to matter what I had been taught in school or what I had learned in parenting class. Lessons from my Autism support group and techniques from ABA weren’t helpful.
I was losing patience with the stimming and vocalizations. I was frustrated with the immediate resistance and disobedience when demands were placed on him. The combination of changed routines and the heralding of puberty seemed to be bringing out the worst in my son. And it brought out the worst in me. When my son acted out, I acted out right back and it surprised both of us.
But it didn’t surprise God. While my husband took over the bedtime routine with my son, I took some time to go be with my Father. He helped me take a step back and remember that my son wasn’t the problem. Quarantine wasn’t the problem. Poor parenting skills wasn’t the problem. I was the problem. Now I’m not having a mommy guilt moment. I had a “come to Jesus” moment. I had to be reminded that the root issue of all of this was sin. As sweet as my little boy is he’s a little sinner and his mom is a sinner, but both saved by grace.
In these tough moments I have to remember that “out if the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” I’m quick to say “behavior is speaking but are you listening?” The behavior that was speaking last night was based on our sin nature. My heart was speaking impatience and unkindness while Amir Jr’s heart was speaking rebellion. Both of us need heart surgery. Specifically the Word of God speaks of circumcision and having our heart of stone turned to a heart of flesh. And as the parent, the surgery starts with me.
My mostly non-verbal child will be taught more by my loving actions that mimic my Heavenly Father than by my words. As I change and become more Christlike, he will be encouraged to change and develop his own Christlike characteristics as he grows in the Lord. Neither of us can do it alone. I have to daily take my heart to the cross, and gently lead my child with me.
Father, sometimes I tend to get overwhelmed by circumstances and my failings. Help me to be overwhelmed by your glory and grace. Thank you for the sacrifice on the cross and for taking our sin away. Replace our hearts of stone with hearts of flesh and when sinful behavior rises up, remind us that it is covered by the blood of Christ and teach us to respond in Your love. Help us to walk in love and teach us how to lead our children to You.
N.B. The main book from which I draw strength and guidance is the Bible. But a great companion book for parenting in love is Shepherding a Child’s Heart.
Questions:
What’s the condition of your heart? Of the heart of your child(ren)?
How is the behavior of your child(ren) speaking time you?
Dr Bergina is a Board Certified Psychiatrist, speaker, and bestselling author. She is also the wife of Dr. Amir and the mother of two children on the Autism spectrum. But first she is “God’s baby girl.”